How the Homeless Fare in Florida

In their infinite wisdom, The Board of County Commissioners in Palm Beach County, Florida has decided that the best way to eliminate vagrants from gracing the four corners of almost any intersection in the county is to simply tell them they're not allowed to be there. I'll be the first to admit that waiting at a stop light and being stared down by a man or woman who seems just a little out of touch is uncomfortable at best. Who hasn't played the "check the door locks" game, or the "if I stare at my watch long enough they'll simply evaporate into thin air" game? It's as common to plan your strategy of ingoring the homeless standing, cardboard sign in hand, as it is planning that night's dinner. In the Palm Beaches, there are several necessary evils--Dealing with people from Boca Raton, fighting traffic on I-95 and trying desperately to ignore panandlers.

Ignoring the problem is exactly what the county is doing. By passing an ordinance banning panhandling, the county thinks the panhandlers will simply disperse, go home or drive on. Now I'm no expert in the Department of Housing and Welfare, but isn't that assumption just a little presumptuous? Without homes to go to and cars to drive away in, it makes only one other option available and that option has a lot to do with breaking the law. One panahndler interviewed put it pretty bluntly. "we don't want to become criminals".

Instead of a genuine effort to find help for the hundreds of unfortunate people who stand in the hot Florida sun, the county is abiding by the "out of sight, out of mind" brand of policy making. Another interesting suggestion put forth by the commission; force the panhandlers to buy a license to panhandle.

I'll wait while you read that again. Thats right. These people can't afford cat food but they may be asked to file with the county as a business and be licensed to panhandle in the County.

My suggestion to the county is to not only license the panhandlers because that could still, presumeably. keep them on the streets, but inact a code of dress and presentation they must follow so that they may properly represent the Palm Beaches for the affluent community it truly is. To that end I propose the following conditions be imposed to make panhandling legal on the streets of Palm Beach County. Perhaps my work will somehow make its way from simple opinion column to county ordinance.

1) "Will work for Food" signs must be laminated, machine printed, or otherwise professionaly made and can only be kept to one color. Magic marker signs are prohibited.

2) The sign must be no larger than 36" by 24" and can have no more than 10 words printed. Signs must be in English and Spanish.

3) Signs cannot contain references to any specific religious organization or affiliation. "God Bless You" is permitted.

4) Signs cannot be hung around the neck or otherwise worn. They must be held at all times.

5) Signs such as "why lie, need beer" will not be permitted. The signs must encourage donating for the good of the signholder.

6) The panhandler must be clean shaven and dressed in a presentable manner. No handlebar mustaches or confederate bandanas are permitted.

7) Shoes must be clean and free of holes or other markings. Laces or velcro straps are each permitted

8) Panhandlers in wheel chairs will be given special consideration and may be allowed to work intersections with easier access. Panhandlers needing special assistance must contact a new office for panhandlers with special needs for an application.

9) Panhandlers must wear nametags at all times and are encouraged to provide some sort of service for the money given. Window washing and dancing the Charleston at red lights do not count.

10) Panhandling licenses must be prominently displayed on the person at all times. Using vanity frames and decorative lighting around the area where the license is attached to the panhandler is not permitted.

AND FINALLY

11) Panhandlers must provide proof of address in order to apply and be granted a license in Palm Beach County.

Panhandle away!